Ironhorse
Apr 11, 2006, 02:34 PM
Preparation for Parenthood
1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown
and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there
for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the super-
market. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the
last time.
3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a
couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners,
and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your
life that you will have all of the answers.
4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living
room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx-
imately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm
for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk
around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up
at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again
at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide
a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the
clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does
that look?
6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First
buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus
into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time
allowed for this: all morning.
7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it
into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you
have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get
a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-
size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect!
9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come
back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back
up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've
had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You
are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go
to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without let-
ting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the
goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children.
11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it
into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing,
"I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify
as a parent!
[From AndyChaps]
1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown
and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there
for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the super-
market. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the
last time.
3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a
couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners,
and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your
life that you will have all of the answers.
4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living
room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx-
imately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm
for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk
around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up
at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again
at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide
a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the
clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does
that look?
6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First
buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus
into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time
allowed for this: all morning.
7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it
into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you
have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get
a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-
size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect!
9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come
back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back
up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've
had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You
are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go
to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without let-
ting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the
goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children.
11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it
into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing,
"I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify
as a parent!
[From AndyChaps]