MySpace

[TOT]

So who's doing the MySpace thing?

[rimalicious]

I've got one but havent done much with it.

[Sandman]

...just signed up!

[BichonLover]

What is this? http://oakhurstforums.com/icon/confused2.gif

[TOT]

www.myspace.com (http://www.myspace.com)

It's a site a lot like Friendster, except with an even younger crowd it seems...

[Mysteefied]

http://oakhurstforums.com/icon/wow1.gif

[Yosemite Joy]

Been there for months.

[TOT]

i put off doing it for quite some time, but i'm there now

[motherof4]

I have a LiveJournal.com is this the same?

[TOT]

In some ways, the idea of LJ and MS are similar. A gathering of friends and whatnot. But they're a lot different, too.

[TOT]

Wow... i've already reconnected with people i haven't talked to in YEARS on myspace. Not sure how long my desire to reconnect will last, but it sure is interesting.

[Sandman]

I'm now the Yosemite High School Moderator on myspace.com http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

visit me here http://www.myspace.com/mathewsands

[Michelle]

I am on there and Sandman found me and I found TOT ... anyone else?

[LindaBo]

I checked it out and it,s not for me http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/embarassed.gif if i was 20 years younger, but i,m not http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

[Harmony]

I just signed up, seems kind of neat. Still trying to figure out how to customize the home page...

[Yosemite Joy]

I am there.

Sandman has me.

Guess who I am.

Harharhar...

[Yosemite_Wolf]

im there too

[rimalicious]

http://www.myspace.com/stoneriverband2

[Dodgergirl]

Been there for quite awhile. I've been 'found' by a lot of y'all. Time to add Stone River.

[beautiful_mess38]

ok ok I'll add me

[Californee Girl]

must ... sign ... off ... of ... myspace ...

[TOT]

Originally posted by Californee Girl:
must ... sign ... off ... of ... myspace ...

good luck with that http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Michelle]

okay i only have three of you guys...tot. sandman and one more... who else and what name do you go by????

[beautiful_mess38]

http://www.myspace.com/beautiful_mess38


I have one friend "Tom" I don't know who he is.

[Yosemite_Wolf]

Tom is everyones friend. He runs the place.now you have me and Rima on your friends.

[CatdaBrat]

I had also been wondering who that dude was at first ... then I saw he was just a freebie on the "friends" list, so he doesn't count.

[falloutboy]

i just get myspace

[Kim]

Okay, put my account up on there; now what the hell do I do with it?

[Dodgergirl]

Originally posted by Kim:
Okay, put my account up on there; now what the hell do I do with it?
whats your URL?

[Kim]

www.myspace.com/suonetar (http://www.myspace.com/suonetar)

[Kim]

I have friends! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

[BGW]

ok...this Tom thing has me bugged now. I don't have a my space but do have an msn spaces page and recently had a 'Tom' want to be added. Which was weird cuz my page is a public page. I haven't given the link to many people most live out of the area. So...there is a new mystery to be solved

[motherof4]

You can always get rid of Tom. I did.

[civic accord honda]

my myspace is www.myspace.com/blakehonda (http://www.myspace.com/blakehonda)

[Nascar8Fan]

Here's mine:

http://www.myspace.com/kelsturr

[BGW]

Originally posted by motherof4:
You can always get rid of Tom. I did.

Yes...Tom felt the piercing stab of the delete button the second day! It appears he is the Head Masternator. But who needs him!

[motherof4]

Originally posted by bgirlsworld:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by motherof4:
You can always get rid of Tom. I did.

Yes...Tom felt the piercing stab of the delete button the second day! It appears he is the Head Masternator. But who needs him! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[frmmts2sea]

I would never get my space, they could tell every1 their a brain sergeon as am I http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif

[John @ 3300ft.]

My dog has a MySpace... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif
I wouldn't do it myself though. It's a dream site for identity theft scammers, pedophiles and stalkers.

It's original purpose is a free dating site making $ from banner ads. I wouldn't let my children near it(if I had any).

[beautiful_mess38]

well you can create a myspace for children where you have to be invited to go on the site.

and if you had children I'm sure you would moniter or put in a spy program so you wouild know exactly what your children are doing on the computer in the first place.

I like my space its fun. I've found some people I went to high school with. I've met some great new friends too.

[jakobscalpel]

Just out of curiosity, why would you put a spy program on your kid's computer?

[rimalicious]

Originally posted by frmmts2sea:
I would never get my space, they could tell every1 their a brain sergeon as am I http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif

People could do the same thing here ....

[beautiful_mess38]

My friends have a spyware program on thier puter for the kids. they can tell where they have been and word for word what was typed and what was typed to them.
Its not your normal "spyware" program its basically to spy on your kids.

[Sandman]

Are the kids aware that this is on the computer?

[beautiful_mess38]

No, and thier mom used to be a computer hacker for a major major co. She knows what she's doing.

[BGW]

What is the scam behind the freaks wanting so deperately to get you on Yahoo IM? There has got to be something they want to phish or scam people out of...I am just not in tune nor up to date on all this stuff.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by beautiful_mess38:
No, and thier mom used to be a computer hacker for a major major co. She knows what she's doing.

Wow! If I had kids, I could never invade their privacy like that. It would be one thing if the kids were very young (under 10 or so) AND if they knew, but thats just sad if you can't trust your kids and have to spy on them. It seems to me like she is looking for a way to trap them and that is just sad. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

[Californee Girl]

I gotta say that Im with BM on this one. Id say its less about trapping them and more about monitoring them. Mind you I dont think young ones should be on the internet in the first place. But if they must be here you might as well know exactly where they are and whats going on, just like in the real world. Thats kind of your job when you become a parent.

[rimalicious]

Originally posted by Sandman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by beautiful_mess38:
No, and thier mom used to be a computer hacker for a major major co. She knows what she's doing.

Wow! If I had kids, I could never invade their privacy like that. It would be one thing if the kids were very young (under 10 or so) AND if they knew, but thats just sad if you can't trust your kids and have to spy on them. It seems to me like she is looking for a way to trap them and that is just sad. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

my mother always said, trust your kids and they will prove to be trustworthy ... worked with me, for the most part, lol

[Sandman]

Originally posted by Californee Girl:
I gotta say that Im with BM on this one. Id say its less about trapping them and more about monitoring them. Mind you I dont think young ones should be on the internet in the first place. But if they must be here you might as well know exactly where they are and whats going on, just like in the real world. Thats kind of your job when you become a parent.

I agree with this. It's the not telling them part of it that I don't agree with. Why not tell them?

[rimalicious]

Maybe this should be a new thread ... but, I think that telling them could be a great deterrent, and potentially increase the trust on both sides if it is handled right.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by rimalicious:
my mother always said, trust your kids and they will prove to be trustworthy ... worked with me, for the most part, lol

My parents had the same philosophy. They were always honest with my sister and I. And my sister and I, for the most part, were pretty honest back. I remember my Mom asking me if I tried smoking pot. The funny thing is that I tried it the first time the night before she asked me. I guess a Mother knows. But I had no problem being honest and telling her that I did try it.

Honesty is very important and if your parents are not honest with you, you wont learn to be honest yourself.

I know so many parents that hide stuff from their kids. Like my aunt doesn't like the family to mention her party days in front of her daughter. Well, her daughter is in high school and I think she could learn from the stories her Mom can tell.

You can't hide stuff from your kids. You have to be honest so that they can learn from your stories.

I think if I were to find out that my parents were spying on me (when I was a kid) I would be upset.

What does this lady have to gain by not telling her kids that she is watching what they do online? If anything, she will prevent something bad from happening before it does.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by rimalicious:
Maybe this should be a new thread ... but, I think that telling them could be a great deterrent, and potentially increase the trust on both sides if it is handled right.

Exactly!!!!

[beautiful_mess38]

Originally posted by Sandman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by beautiful_mess38:
No, and thier mom used to be a computer hacker for a major major co. She knows what she's doing.

Wow! If I had kids, I could never invade their privacy like that. It would be one thing if the kids were very young (under 10 or so) AND if they knew, but thats just sad if you can't trust your kids and have to spy on them. It seems to me like she is looking for a way to trap them and that is just sad. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Those kids are all under the age of 10 except for 1 which is 12.
Beleave kids will give out all of thier info. You have to watch them like a hawk. Privacy, thier children they have no privacy. It is up to the parent to know what thier doing at all times. Why do you think kids meet up with strangers they meet on the internet. Then get raped and killed. I would much rather "invade" my childrens privacy then have to bury them. Beside its my house my rules and I'm there to protect and teach.

I don't ever want to be held responsible for my kids death because I didn't know what was going on.

You can teach kids to be honest which you should, but they can also be honest with strangers. There is alot of ugly stuff that happens on the internet.

Just the other day I got an email from some gal I don't even know.
She wanted to know if I wanted to send pics back and forth and she wanted a relationship with me so we can cyber.

I couln't beleave.

[Californee Girl]

Originally posted by rimalicious:
Maybe this should be a new thread ... but, I think that telling them could be a great deterrent, and potentially increase the trust on both sides if it is handled right.

I agree 100%. Then again Ive known some teenagers who would only seek a way around this if they knew.

[Mysteefied]

It's our job as parents to make sure our kids are safe. I don't yet have spyware on my kids computer, however I do have their e-mail and passwords and all that stuff. They know I may check and I may not, it's not because I don't trust them, It's because I don't trust the gazillions of perverts out there and having teenage daughters, I know they could easily be sought out by some sicko without even realizing it. I'm here to keep them safe...whatever it takes! At the same time I try to let them experience life. it's a delicate balance.

[jakobscalpel]

Spying on your kid's internet activity without their knowledge is reprehensible. If you want visibility into their actions, tell them you will do so. Spying is a classic example of parenting by fear and I can't see how that is ever a good thing.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by jakobscalpel:
Spying on your kid's internet activity without their knowledge is reprehensible. If you want visibility into their actions, tell them you will do so. Spying is a classic example of parenting by fear and I can't see how that is ever a good thing.

Well said http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[monkey]

I have a friend who's now 18 year old son is on myspace. He was contacted by the Tyra Banks show who had seen him on myspace to do a show on teen sexuality. His mom said ok and they went to the taping. Her son was on stage and she was in another area with the other moms. She told me how much bragging she was doing to the other moms, saying that she KNEW her son was a virgin because he had gone to a private Christian school all of his life and that she was very active in his life and they had open communication, etc. Her son finished the taping and they were told ahead of time when it would air. Well, some time later, she was flipping channels and saw her son on TV talking about how he had a 3-some when he was 16! She was freaked out, but it did open a good discussion with both her sons about being responsible.
I'm not saying people should spy on their kids. I do think you need to be as aware as possible. I'm just saying you don't know everything you think you do. Kids will be kids. Good luck to all the parents out there. You have the toughest job and the most important job in the world.

[BGW]

I dont have kids, so I am not sure how I would handle this situation. However, this exact subject was just address on The View. They interviewed a Peace officer that specializes at catching online preditors. The officer said that at any given moment there are 50,000 pedophile predators online searching for your kids. The officer also said..."by all means, snoop on your kids."

They also featured this website:
Perverted Justice (http://www.perverted-justice.com/)

Its worth a look.

[Yosemite_Wolf]

its not a matter of "spying" on your kids.. its knowing where your kids are going on the nets. Who says you have to be secretive? The idea is to talk to your kids, explain to them the online preditors etc etc... discuss certain sites etc with them. If you just spy on them, then they are not gonna know that dangers of the nets. Spying on the kids doesnt teach them how to grow up into responsible adults... discussing the correct behaviour on the nets does create responsible adults.

[Yosemite Joy]

Originally posted by Sandman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by beautiful_mess38:
No, and thier mom used to be a computer hacker for a major major co. She knows what she's doing.

Wow! If I had kids, I could never invade their privacy like that. It would be one thing if the kids were very young (under 10 or so) AND if they knew, but thats just sad if you can't trust your kids and have to spy on them. It seems to me like she is looking for a way to trap them and that is just sad. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I have two children (almost 6 and 3 1/2) and they use the Apple all the time. I have hooked it up to the net but sit there with them when they use it. I would invest in some sort of program that allows only kid sites or some such thing. But as far as spying on them when they are older.. nah. I had enough of that from my [psychotic] mother when I was a teenager. (She even read my journal to a bunch of people in a bar and wrote comments in it when I was 15). I know what it is like to be competely violated and would hope that I am a mom that my children could come to about anything.

[Sandman]

I will, once again, try to explain what I think here. I have no problem with parents being active with their childrens lives. I have no problem with putting spyware on a young childs computer to protect them. The fact that YJ watches her kids online is great!!! I DO have a problem with NOT telling them that you have spying software to protect them. Why keep it a secret? Why not tell your kids, "Hey, you can use the Internet but I am worried about the crazy people on there that could hurt you. So, I have a program that allows me to check your online activity to make sure you are safe." I know what the point is regarding having the software, but I don't understand why it is a secret. That, IMO, is wrong for any parent to do. You are teaching your kid that you are spying on them and they are not going to trust you. Also, at some point (before your kid is 18), your gonna need to let them growup and you have to trust them. Otherwise, they are gonna go through shell shock when they move out. I do not think parents should spy on teenagers. I say that 16 years old or so is the cutoff where you should start letting them live their own lives and make some mistakes. That way, your there for them when they come home with their first serious problems.

So, I am not against using software to monitor your young childs online activity, I am against keeping it a secret and I am against monitoring older teenagers all together.

[Yosemite_Wolf]

Sandman.. thats what I mean... you gotta watch your kids.. but also educate them of the evils. Its ok to let them make mistake.. but to let your 16 yr old daughter go out and meet some 24 yr old guy from the nets is suicide... or murder i reckon. Would you encourage your daughter to have unprotected sex or any sex.. or to drive drunk? same goes with the net. Im for talking to kids and teaching them about what can happen.. let them know that there are evil ppl out there. I mean, lots of ppl lie on the nets.. esp teenage girls who put up my space profiles with seductive pics and say they are 24.... lies lies lies who get adult males in trouble. And thats another thing that parents need to teach their kids.. not to lie on the net.. not to post their image as something they arent.

[Sandman]

You still are not getting my point. We agree about having good communiction with your kids. We agree that its okay to be "in the know".

Messy said that her friend doesn't tell her kids that she watches what they do online. I disagree with the fact that she doesn't tell them. That seems very wrong to me. What is to gain by not telling them? I can think of many things to gain by being honest about it.

You said "And thats another thing that parents need to teach their kids.. not to lie on the net.. not to post their image as something they arent."

Well, in order to teach this you have to be honest with them. Tell them you are watching what they do online! Prevent it before it even happens!!! Don't just try to set them up.

[Yosemite_Wolf]

Sandman.. im in agreement... tell the kids... talk to them... moniter their activities....

[Sandman]

Originally posted by Yosemite_Wolf:
Sandman.. im in agreement... tell the kids... talk to them... moniter their activities....

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif Exactly! And if you have this kind of open communication with them, you will probably prevent the problem before it even happens!

As far as your other comments. If I have a 16 year old daughter, of course I don't want her to be with a 24 year old guy... but I would hope that the values that she learned up until that point will prevent that from happening. If its something she really wants to happen though, she'll find a way to make it happen. She is gonna be out of the house in a few years anyway and it'll happen then. You gotta let kids try to be adults before they are adults. Let them learn to make these choices for themselves. Not just cause you said "no". That way they continue to make good choices after they are out of your house.

I was pretty much allowed to do as a pleased once I got a drivers license. The rule I had was that I had to keep my Mom informed on where I was and when I'd return. I had a pager so that she could reach me. I think I made pretty good decisions. Once I was ready to move out on my own, I had a good idea of what life was about. I had a few friends that had strict parents. Those kids snuck out of the house and got into way more trouble than I did. They didnt make good choices.

[BGW]

Well, in order to teach this you have to be honest with them. Tell them you are watching what they do online! Prevent it before it even happens!!! Don't just try to set them up.


Matty I so agree with you here. I think if and when they learn the parent is spying/setting them up all they will learn is how to be more sneaky next time; making it harder to keep that ever watchful albeit loving eye on them. I am willing to bet YJ will agree on this point too. I had lurking/spying parents growing up. I would get grounded two months after the fact for things I wrong because the parents raided my room and stole my journal and/or notes passed in class. I only became more careful and accomplished at being bad.

Sorry to have to use a real life example but we didnt have the internet way back when! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/lol.gif

[Yosemite Joy]

I agree. I really want to be the parent who is open to what is happening in my children's lives, no matter what, they can tell me anything. Drinking, relationships (with friends/significant others), life in general, no matter what and know that I love them regardless of anything. How the heck can one accomplish that if they are secretly snooping in their kids online or otherwise life? If you expect/want honesty from others, but give less than that, you will fail. I would never read my child's journal, unless the child were dead.

[Mysteefied]

The fact is, You don't really know what you will do until you are faced with it in your own home. You can do everything right and still have to deal with kids being sneaky and so forth.

I'd love to see how this topic changes when all your kids are 16.

I am totally open with my kids, I don't lie to them, I give them freedoms and trust them. And quite frankly, there are times when "hopeing" that what you taught them will keep them safe and that they will make the right decision just doesn't work. They are still children,and most of them think they know "everything". Every child is different, every situation is different, so you simply cannot glom it all together. Some may need to do things differntly than others, just because of the way their kids are, or even the influences in their lives.

Just my two cents.

[Sandman]

I agree with you too Mystee. It's not gonna be the same for every child. A few years ago I went to a friends college co-op. It's kind of like a dorm, without the rules. There were many 18 and 19 year olds that were so immature and were doing some pretty childish and crazy things. I can't help but think that these kids had strict parents and now they had the chance to rebel. The fact is, if a child wants to rebel he/she is going to do it. If you put them on lockdown in high school, they'll do it in college. That's why it's just better to teach them values and hope that they can make the right choices for themselves. I kind of feel like its better to let them make some bad choices while they still live under your roof. Then you can be there for them when they come running home crying.

[beautiful_mess38]

Originally posted by Sandman:
You still are not getting my point. We agree about having good communiction with your kids. We agree that its okay to be "in the know".

Messy said that her friend doesn't tell her kids that she watches what they do online. I disagree with the fact that she doesn't tell them. That seems very wrong to me. What is to gain by not telling them? I can think of many things to gain by being honest about it.

You said "And thats another thing that parents need to teach their kids.. not to lie on the net.. not to post their image as something they arent."

Well, in order to teach this you have to be honest with them. Tell them you are watching what they do online! Prevent it before it even happens!!! Don't just try to set them up.

Those kids are under the age of 12. They don't need to be told. They are still considered children not teenagers. Maybe one day when you have kids of your own you will understand that they are still children. Thier business is your business. Me being a mother I'm in full agreement. Especially when that friend has been thru alot with thier older kids. I also have another friend here in YLP thats a cop and they have the same program..... He knows the chit that is going on out there, and it's scary man.

When my kids become "teenagers" I will be honest with them. Meanwhile thier still children. My 9 year. I will know exactly what she does and she doesnt have to know that I know. It's called watching your kids grow...When they become older and can understand then I will talk to them at thier level. I will be honest. Hopefully they will not be able to work thier way around a program like that.


Again; I will not bury one of my kids because I didn't know what was going on.
You better beleave I will follow them every step of thier way.

When it comes to trusting your "teenager" again thier all different and will require different kind of upbringing then thier sibling.

For example my cousin has a 16 year old with a 18 year old b/f. She has talked to her daughter til she was blue in the face. Even more so when she became a single mom after a 20 year marriage. One morning she goes into her daughters room (which she hardley ever does..the privacy thing) to get her sweater and what does she find them in bed togather. My cousin sent her away to live with her grandparents. When I talk to her about this is what she says "I trusted her, I freaken trusted her. I talked to her. I told her the rules. I freaken trusted her Tam and she let me down. Not only that she put her little sister in the middle my threatening her not to tell."
This boy has been sneaking into her room at night for awhile and is also there when my cousin is at work. There were beer bottles and condoms. There were letters from her b/f on what he planned on doing alot of them were sexually pressured letters. also telling her to take the test so she can graduate early so they can move into togather.
My cousin was heartbroken. Her daughter was going against everything she was taught and listening to this boy instead.

So you see, sometimes trust becomes a big issue.
I am not looking forward to my kids becoming teenagers. beleave me. And I will not take advice from someone whom doesnt have kids. Because they don't know what it really like.

I did that with my friend Julie. Telling her you should do this you should do that. When I became a mom I found out I was dead wrong. And I talked to my friend about it. She said it's ok people who don't have kids think its so easy and they don't realize it until they have thier own, like you did.

Parents know thier kids better then thier friends do. And each child is so different. you may trust one but not the other.

You just wait Matt when you have them you will understand just like I did.

[Sandman]

Well Messy, I'll agree to disagree with you. I still see no problem with being honest with younger kids. I see no point in hiding the fact that you watch them. I do see problems if you dont tell them. They will have trust issues from the very begining.

And as far as not taking advice from someone that doesnt have kids, thats youre choice. But its not like your required a special degree to pop babies out. I have a little brother. I have many cousins. I watched many friends go through problems with parents that were too strict and/or violated their trust. I have seen them all grow up and watched what their parents did. I feel that I am going to make a great parent and I'm not gonna invade their privacy without telling them. Bottom line. I'll always be honest with my kids and will expect the same in return.

I will tell you this. When I was young I had a lot of medical problems. I needed many surgeries, went through a lot of physical therapy, was put on a lot of meds, etc. My Mom was honest from day one with me. She never held back, even when I was 5 years old. I was always aware of the risks of each procedure. She decided that it was my body and my life and I should be in the know. She even took my opinions into great consideration. I mostly agreed with her, but there were a few times that I didn't. One time was when I was about 8 years old and they put me on chemptherapy to see if that helped the JRA. It made me very sick. Even though it did put my JRA in remision, it wasn't worth being sick. It was my choice to continue it or not. I choose to deal with the physical pain that I was used to rather than deal with being sick and not in my right mind.

My point is that my Mother treated me like an adult from day one. She was always honest with me. In return, I grew up very fast and was pretty street smart before I even went to high school. My parents have been and still are my best friends. I can tell them anything and I always appreciate the advice that they offer.

IMO, The experiences that I went through in life will make me a great parent one day and I don't need an imaginary "parent degree".

And yes, every teenager has their own ideas but they are there due to the things they went through when they were younger. A parent that is not honest with a 9 year old, for example, may have honesty problems with them when they are older. They learn from example.

That's all I really need to say on this subject. We are each entitled to our opinions.

[Michelle]

Okay I now get to post something on here that I do with my children...
When it comes to the internet and my kids they can get online and play games and they have a myspace. well the three older ones do.. but I have every password to every account. I tell them to be careful who they talk to because of what can happen and that there are people who can say they are a 14 year old and it is a older man who is trying to find them some how or what to hurt them...
I don't hide the fact I can get on my computer and see what they are saying or who they are talking to... They know that using the computer and the internet is a earned thing. they do there chores and homework and stuff like that they get to be online. if they mess up it is pass coded and they will not be able to go back. just like the phone and seeing and going and do things. I have a 14 year old. She loves myspace and talks to her friends and all that.. she knows when she is not around I could go into her myspace and check things out he mail her history on yahoo msn and aol ... but So far I have no reason. I check her friends list on myspace , yahoo, msn, and aol.. ask her who is this and who is that... I know when she is not telling me the truth..
I keep close tabs on the kids and they know it. why hide it...
plus the computer is in our familyroom.. they can get online when I AM HOME. they are not allowed when I am not unless I say different.
It is OUR RESPONSIBLITY to watch over our kids. but not telling them you have spyware on the computer and able to go and see what they are talking about is like going into there room and reading there diary.. that isn't right. now if i feel that there is something going on i sit down and talk to my kids and make sure they are okay .. anything they want to talk about I am there. if they are mad at me or dad.. or friends boyfriend girlfriends whatever.. they dont' have to hide things from me and i don't need to sneak around and lie and watch over them. I do it out in the open..
they know i can & will find out ... but that is the way i raise my kids and everyone is different...
*S*
it is good that parents do watch over the internet use because there are alot of wacko's out there... i was scared at first and each one of my kids showed me how they are responsible with the internet.. hell they know more then what you think on computers now they are able to do what they can at school
plus I have a great teacher at coarsegold who can take my tower and make it child proof for me at anytime if i ask him.. so they know if they open a email account and i don't know about it and the password.. they are done... i check for that too....
so i keep close tabs on my kids and they know it...

[Dodgergirl]

OK, so I'll finally dive in to this topic & respond. I've been trying to just read & understand everyones elses point of views and accept them for what they are. So, as a parent with an 'imaginary parent degree' and a real life 'child & adolescent development degree' here is my humble opinion.

First and foremost, you gotta know your kids, and if you have more than one, you gotta know them as individuals. I have a few and no oh so well how completely different they are. While they have the same set of basic rules, they have different tendencies, so particular rules are more enforced with one or another for different reasons. Some examples are...
Their Rooms... as long as there is no food or drinks in there, they can be as much as a pig sty as they would like, they are required to do laundry every week, but bed making, general cleaning up, etc. is completely up to them. They were taught how to do it, I'm just not gonna do it anymore for them. We had a teenager sleepover the other day & both of the boys went a little cleaning crazy, I guess they didn't want to be embarrassed by their messy rooms in front of their friends...
Their bathroom... again, they are in charge of cleaning, but if it hasn't been taken care of by Friday, they need to complete it before they make any plans.
Game Room... got sorta out of hand & I had to get on them about this, BUT it is a community room and not private space.

I generally don't 'check' their rooms for anything they shouldn't have, but I do look in them every few days ( a general scan, not poking around) to see if I see anything they shouldn't have. I removed a small gun (it was laying on his bed)from Davy's room (his dad gave it to him on a visit) and told him he could have it at a later date. Had I not been in his room, I wouldn't have seen it to remove it. I do not read personal letters, diaries, notes, etc.
I do not usually look in their notebooks or wallets, thats their space, BUT, I do monitor the internet. I have passwords to Davy's MySpace account, but I don't think I've ever used it to check his account. I'm on his 'friends' so I receive his postings & bulletins. I have gone thru & clicked on his friends to see who he's talking to, but anyone can do that... I've told him his little girlfriends shouldn't lie about their age, especially when they write 17 and then put down an actual birthdate of 1991... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif (They aren't hardened criminals, just wanna be older, silly girls...)
I really don't have a lot to monitor with Jai, and now that he's 18, he just has the one rule on the internet to follow.... No porn. simple. he blows it, he's offline. He mainly hangs out on the anime and game sites, when he's not playing with his XBox.
As for video games, I still monitor those, funny, but I don't have a problem with the shoot um up ones, just the ones where women are mistreated (thats putting it mildly). Those type games are not, and have not been allowed in my home, ever.

Specialists tell us to be honest with our children, BUT, they also tell us to be age appropriate with our children. Case in point, I needed to explain to my boys about sex, STD's and such, I did not do this when they were 3, or 4 or, well you get the idea. Thats where knowing your kids comes in. Both of my boys got the same speech at the same time, and they are physically 3 years apart, but emotionally they both need the info about the same time.

I've always had a rule with my kids, all three of them, If they're honest with me about anything (getting in trouble, doing something stupid...) I'll back them up & if I have the power, the punishment won't be as severe, because they were honest. I've always tried to back them up when they come to me with a problem. (The hardest part is NOT Blowing it and NOT living up to my word when I wanna strangle the little monster) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif BUT, to build that trust, that is exactly what you gotta do, keep your word.

If they come to you with the elementary school stuff and you're honest, you build a trust that cannot be broken later on in life. BUT, if you do blow it, tell them you did, apologize and try to repair the trust.
The other thing I notice with a lot of parents is they lie daily to their kids, "We'll go here or there... We'll do this or that...." And they never do anything, just make these empty promises, which in turn, cause the child to mistrust the parent. Don't make promises you can't keep just to keep them quiet or make them happy for the minute.
How can anyone expect a teenager to come to them with a problem, a concern, a new friend on the internet, a friend with a drug/alcohol problem when they know what their parents reaction will be. I believe the key is in the building of the relationship, the trust in the relationship, and the age appropriateness of the relationship, and knowing the individual.

That all said, my three kids know I had lots of drug problems (I didn't drink anything until a few years ago) in my 20's. Little by little I tell them more things about it. Sometimes we'll be driving and a topic will come up that fits into something I saw, said or did many years ago. Then I share, and they ask questions. I never overwhelmed them with anything. My oldest vaguely remembers those days, but I was done with it all by the time her brother came along.
She and I have a special relationship because of the things we went through together.

There are things I do know that some might call hypocritical, but I do not feel that sharing some facets of my life with my kids is appropriate currently. At some point it might be, but not now. I don't believe in 'telling the truth at all costs'. Just so I can feel better about myself. It's not about me, it's about their growth & well being.

I agree with many of the above points, children are our responsibility & there are so many new dangers out there, we need to use precautions whenever feasible.

Oh, and one last thing, my kids know I'm watching them, and since we've lived here they know half the town is watching them, too... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

BUT, remember, you can watch & monitor and try to do everything right & still lose them, I know this personally. We lost one 12 years ago...

[Yosemite_Wolf]

Dodge.. your views are rather close to Messys. This world needs to have more parents like you and Mess.

[Kim]

Epic and I were similar with Only Child...
We kept teaching about stuff as age appropriate as possible. Every once in a while she would come home with a question about something we didn't feel she was ready to know about, and fortunately for us, she loved her boundaries so it was pretty easy to say "We'll discuss that when you're...". She always knew that we would respect her privacy unless she gave us a reason not to, then nothing was off limits. We also told her that we owned her room and she was borrowing it until she paid rent, and again, we would knock on her door unless she gave us a reason not to. She occasionally gave us reasons to search her room, and search it we did. And I'm not ashamed of that, because she admits now that we saved her life a couple of times. My point is, she was aware that privacy is not a right when you're a teenager, it's a privilege in my house. That's how it was in my parent's house, and it was made clear that this was the case because they love us. That was ALWAYS the basis of how we were raised and we never doubted that. Ours knew that as well. And that we trusted her until she gave us a reason not to. If that hadn't happened, her room wouldn't have been searched.
But again, she knew from the outset that this would be the case. Did she screw up because she felt we didn't trust her from the start? She says no. She knew when she was trusted, and in fact, she says now that we trusted her too much and gave her too much freedom too soon. She also admits that if we had told her there was parental spyware on her computer, she would have just done her thing on a friend's computer instead of at home.
YJ and Messy, and Rima, I encourage you to use that if you can, merely because of all the internet bullying that occurs now. Kids don't tell their parents when they are being bullied by cyberspace. And you wouldn't leave your child alone with a crowd of strangers; there's no reason to do that online.
As Dodge says, every kid is different, and you just have to go with your gut. Sandman's mom did exactly the right thing treating him as an adult during his treatments...and I don't discount his opinions on child raising at all because he's objective.

[Yosemite_Wolf]

once again Kim.. right on. and same track as messy and dodge. i guess you guys are "intelligent" parents. I had a short stint as a sort of parent.... haveing a teen in the house is ******* nuts. But we treated our teen as a adult in training. He was allowed to do certain things.. though I was pissed whe we let him take my car to a house at the other side of Indian Lakes.. and I got it back with minimal gas (bad thing when the next open station was at ave 15). Being a parent means being honest.. telling kids why and how. Im no
expert.. i have minimal experience.

I respect SandMan's experience too.. cos my mom learned early.. not to lie to me about my medical problems......

[Dodgergirl]

Try to remember, theres a difference between lying & too much information...

[Yosemite Joy]

I pretty much agree with what Dodger said, and I agree with Sandman as well.

This may be a moot subject for those of us who have children 6 and younger, or not at all, yet.

For the crap I got for saying something quite mean (yes I did and I apologize) a couple weeks back... I sure get the feeling I (and others perhaps) am being insulted from a person who has no idea what it is like to have/raise children. I am probably over reacting (I am like that, and plus I am pregnant and those of you who have been, well, maybe you understand).

I am a good mother, and would do whatever it takes to make sure my children are safe. If you spend too much time worrying what the boogeyman on the internet will do to your kid, you are wasting too much time. What about that sex offender, or the brother of the friend, or the father of the friend, etc.

I also have found in my life, granted it hasn't been a very long one at this point, but it has been full of BS from adults when I was a child, and from other "adults" as an adult myself, is that when someone is overly concerned and focused on something in someone elses life, they should point the finger back at themselves. What is going on in your life?

[Mysteefied]

I agree 100 percent with Kim here. Also with Dodge. I have 3 daughters, 2 of which I usually don't have to worry about, the third...and my youngest, does exactly what Kim said "She also admits that if we had told her there was parental spyware on her computer, she would have just done her thing on a friend's computer instead of at home.
"

I have raised them all with Honesty and an open door to talk and I let them make thier own mistakes, but by mistake I found a hidden myspace that she made, because she knew I had her passwords, this is the type of thing that I worry about and find myself having to keep a closer eye and not always let her know when I'm watching....as she has shown me, in some cases if I do, then I don't know what she's up to and she has NO reason to lie, other than not wanting me involved....Sorry, I'm the mom, I'm involved whether she likes it or not, and she's still only 13!

[candyappleisland]

The protective instinct of Mothers vs. reason, logic, quality of life is similar to Pee-Wee Herman vs. The Smog Monster.

The question is how do you deal with young people who are venturing out on their own for the first times.

You can explain the dangers and they nod their heads yes, and then go right out and do it anyway. Just like when they were little they might have climbed the highest tree or rode their bike downhill over rubble at 50 MPH. These individuals have a desire to really push themselves and develop a fine sense for crisis and survival. Good skills, hell on mothers, and not every child survives childhood.

As a mother that isn't something I can accept. But if it were me, I would rather live a full life than feel as if I was being held prisoner, stunted and stagnated, without any respect for my ability to know my needs and myself.

The point is kids are programmed to take risks at this age because it is time for them to learn a certain skill set. And they will do everything it takes to ensure their survival by meeting this need.

Your child is a person separate and complete from you. What’s the saying, “Children are gifts from God that you have been honored to be entrusted with.â€� Meaning you didn’t create them, you don’t own them, its just your job to help them as much as you can in their life’s quest, whether you understand it or not.

Truly, I mean no offense Kim, because my heart agrees with you. But the lesson I want my children to learn isn't that they need me to save their lives.

The tighter you squeeze the more they slip through your fingers, or you end up crushing them and they are unable to ever leave their confinement.

[John @ 3300ft.]

I read that Rupert Murdock bought MySpace and was deleting inappropriate profiles/content.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[beautiful_mess38]

Very well said Myst, Dodge and KIm.

Thank You.

[Sandman]

I also agree with everything that Dodgergirl said. It looks as if DG agreed with my whole point behind this...

I'll quote her...

"Oh, and one last thing, my kids know I'm watching them, and since we've lived here they know half the town is watching them, too..."

I never said that watching your kids was bad. I just said that you should let them know that you are watching them. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[beautiful_mess38]

Not all kids Sandman beleave me not all of them.

[candyappleisland]

"Not all kids Sandman beleave me not all of them."



Sigh, I still don't BELIEVE you've heard any of the opinions here.

It made me think. Do all the fascist in the world believe they are doing what’s best for their country?

They are really caring individuals who have their country's best wishes at heart? But along the way they let the means justify the end? And they are so focused on their goals that they put on blinders?

[John @ 3300ft.]

Originally posted by candyappleisland:
The protective instinct of Mothers vs. reason, logic, quality of life is similar to Pee-Wee Herman vs. The Smog Monster.

The question is how do you deal with young people who are venturing out on their own for the first times.

You can explain the dangers and they nod their heads yes, and then go right out and do it anyway. Just like when they were little they might have climbed the highest tree or rode their bike downhill over rubble at 50 MPH. These individuals have a desire to really push themselves and develop a fine sense for crisis and survival. Good skills, hell on mothers, and not every child survives childhood.

As a mother that isn't something I can accept. But if it were me, I would rather live a full life than feel as if I was being held prisoner, stunted and stagnated, without any respect for my ability to know my needs and myself.

The point is kids are programmed to take risks at this age because it is time for them to learn a certain skill set. And they will do everything it takes to ensure their survival by meeting this need.

Your child is a person separate and complete from you. What’s the saying, “Children are gifts from God that you have been honored to be entrusted with.â€� Meaning you didn’t create them, you don’t own them, its just your job to help them as much as you can in their life’s quest, whether you understand it or not.

Truly, I mean no offense Kim, because my heart agrees with you. But the lesson I want my children to learn isn't that they need me to save their lives.

The tighter you squeeze the more they slip through your fingers, or you end up crushing them and they are unable to ever leave their confinement.
This reminded me of the of the Columbine Massacre...
Did you know that during the rampage, one of the fathers of the mass-murdering SOB's called the police and said he thought his kid was doing the shooting? He was right. Too bad he didn't DO SOMETHING before his little boy carried out their plan. If he had looked in his room, he would have found bombs, guns, and ammunition. His sons computer held info on their plot. How much did the father really know?

[candyappleisland]

Exactly! Their parents should have known! Why didn't they? Did the kids just wake up one day and say "hey, I think I'll go make a huge plan to go off and kill a lot of people."

They had 15 years worth of experiences to shape them. To create such a hatred or disassociation of humanity that this was the next step for them. If their room was searched they would’ve found another hiding place and made another plan. Who’s to say their parent’s didn’t stop previous plans or incidents.

I can't make judgments on their parenting because I wasn't there. But I have seen kids being screamed at, cornered, browbeaten, given no respect, no hope for being understood or cared about. And I've seen kids left to themselves with parents too busy with their own world to be bothered with their kid’s world. (Spying on kids is a shortcut to doing the real work of being a parent.)

And people are so surprised when these kids lash out. It's human nature. Do we excuse it? NO. But stopping the symptom will not cure the disease.

Unless you believe some people are just born evil. Then they should be incarcerated from birth on to ensure nothing like that happens. Maybe they can create a genetic test to screen for it and babies can be executed at birth.

[Dodgergirl]

Still wondering where that 'sarcasm' graemlin is??

[Yosemite Joy]

Originally posted by candyappleisland:


And I've seen kids left to themselves with parents too busy with their own world to be bothered with their kid’s world. (Spying on kids is a shortcut to doing the real work of being a parent.)





This is such a great quote. I had to re-quote it. Fantastic.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by candyappleisland:
Exactly! Their parents should have known! Why didn't they? Did the kids just wake up one day and say "hey, I think I'll go make a huge plan to go off and kill a lot of people."

They had 15 years worth of experiences to shape them. To create such a hatred or disassociation of humanity that this was the next step for them. If their room was searched they would’ve found another hiding place and made another plan. Who’s to say their parent’s didn’t stop previous plans or incidents.

I can't make judgments on their parenting because I wasn't there. But I have seen kids being screamed at, cornered, browbeaten, given no respect, no hope for being understood or cared about. And I've seen kids left to themselves with parents too busy with their own world to be bothered with their kid’s world. (Spying on kids is a shortcut to doing the real work of being a parent.)

And people are so surprised when these kids lash out. It's human nature. Do we excuse it? NO. But stopping the symptom will not cure the disease.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[jakobscalpel]

Wow! I really need to meet you sometime, Candyappleisland. You're smart.

[candyappleisland]

Oooooo, flattery will get you everywhere. I'll PM you later. (Will your wife mind?)

[Yosemite Joy]

You two are funny.


*snickers*

[Kim]

"Truly, I mean no offense Kim, because my heart agrees with you. But the lesson I want my children to learn isn't that they need me to save their lives."
No offense taken. But the whole part of that point was that my daughter told me I saved her life, after the fact. She pushed her boundaries, and it was my job to reinforce them. And the lesson I want her to learn is not that she needs me to "save her life", although it happened to be the case this time, but that the world has boundaries, whether we like it or not, and she needed to learn the consequences of breaking them. Especially when her actions were illegal. She says that in retrospect, she realizes that I was not her jailer, I was her back up. And that's a rewarding thing for me to hear, now that she's on the other side of it all. That shows me that I did my job.
As for spying on your kids being a short cut, I suppose if you do that instead of talking to them, this is true. But when they won't talk to you, and you know something's wrong, it's what you have to do. And it ain't any easy road, either. I can say that reading her diary was harder and more painful than giving birth to her. And I had a C section after a lot of labour. Not trusting your child hurts so bad. But knowing where she was going and what she was doing was my job. It would have been neglectful of me to not keep tabs on her.
Everyone with young children, I hope all goes smoothly and you never have to have these dilemmas. But be their kite string. Let them fly, but haul them back if they fly into a tornado, and climb the tree and get them if they get stuck. And make sure they know you're doing it because you value them.
It would be interesting to revisit this in 10 years and see who's changed their opinion after they survived their "raising the teen" years.

[BGW]

saw this on CNN last night. It is a new site just now getting started.

http://www.jailbaitjustice.com/