2005 Darwin Awards

[Surfus]

2005 Darwin Awards
In case you have been
waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are.
The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are
given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until these events, these
same people were walking the streets like normal people.



5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San
Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year
old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his
friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some
yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and
Hubal crashed into a tower. It has been investigated and determined the tower
he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him
to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on
an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck)
popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a
battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy
said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down
and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne
said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be
alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in
Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the
arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts
would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at
the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the
arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this. " No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under
investigation.

And Now... THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great
state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers
between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over
to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The
sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his
shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon
landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend
in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police
arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving
the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly
stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen. You win.
And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool

[motherof4]

WOW http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[concerned]

These are priceless examples of sheer stupidity. These would be very hard to top but somebody will

[EdBailey]

I nominate Dick Cheney.

[Coldwolf]

Those weren't the 2005 awards. ..Here ya are.

Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher.

After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced the neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: Christopher would stab himself and blame the neighbor!

A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom as he called 911. He calmly informed the dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Witnesses said he looked fine when he emerged from the bathroom, but a moment later gouts of blood spewed from his chest. Suddenly he began screaming begging for help. The dispatcher heard a woman shout, "Why did you do this?" He collapsed at the door of his apartment.

Deputies arrived quickly, but Christopher had already bled to death from self-inflicted stab wounds to his chest. An autopsy determined that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound apparently didn't look dangerous enough, so he tried again. The second time, the knife plunged into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.

Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation of his neighbor failed, as a witness confirmed that the neighbor was not in the apartment. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

[Coldwolf]

Chimney-Cleaning Grenade
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 January 2005, Croatia) One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?

He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.

Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

[Coldwolf]

Freeway Dangler
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(31 May 2005, Seattle, Washington) Strength and endurance are two of the most important characteristics that can be passed on to improve the species, so physical challenges between males are frequent. In this case, two drinking buddies found themselves on an overpass 40 feet above a busy freeway in downtown Seattle at 2:45 a.m. It turned out to be the perfect place to determine who had more strength and endurance. Whoever could dangle from the overpass the longest would win!

Unfortunately, the winner was too tired from his victory to climb back up, despite help from his 31-year-old friend. The unidentified champion fell smack into the front of a semi-truck barreling down the highway at 60 mph and bounced onto the pavement, where he was hit by a car. The car did not stop. Authorities did not identify the winner of the competition.

[Coldwolf]

"Plug Me In"
2005 Darwin Award WINNER
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2005, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. It was about six centimeters long and eight centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out. Because it was old and rusty, Nguyen said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed.

To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle.

Turns out Nyugen was wrong!

The victim had little time to reflect on his mistaken, or whether 220 volts alone could have been fatal. According to police, "the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth." He died on the way to the hospital.

[Coldwolf]

Surprise Attack Surprise
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.

The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.

But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.

The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.

And this, kiddies, is why we don't play with knives or guns. Ever. Even if we are trained professionals, and especially if our target is a trained professional.

[Coldwolf]

The Nuisance of Seatbelts
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(5 January 2005, Nebraska) In September of his senior year at the University of Nebraska, 21-year-old Derek wrote an impassioned declaration of independence from seatbelts for his college newspaper. Although "intrusive and ridiculous" seatbelt laws saved 6100 lives a year, according to statistics from the U.S. Congress, Derek concluded with the statement, "If I want to be the jerk that flirts with death, I should be able to do that."

Derek "was a bright young boy, a 4.0" majoring in five subjects and planning to attend law school. He was also smart enough to tutor friends in subjects he didn't even take. But good grades don't equate with common sense.

Derek was returning from a holiday in San Antonio, Texas. The driver of the Ford Explorer and his front seat passenger both wore seatbelts. Only Derek was willing to buck the system, sitting without a seatbelt in the back seat because, in the words of his newspaper column, he belonged to the "die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up, no matter what the government does."

When the SUV hit a patch of ice, slid off US 80 and rolled several times, Derek, in an involuntary display of his freedom, was thrown from the vehicle. He died at the scene. The other occupants of the SUV, slaves to the seatbelt, survived with minor injuries.

Alcohol was not involved in the accident.

[Coldwolf]

What I Can Still Do
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(16 January 2005, Florida) Two North Fort Myers residents, 23-year-old Molly and her husband, had rented a room in a local motel for some unspecified activity, perhaps involving perpetuation of the species. As Molly entered the second-floor room, she went straight for the lanai, which overlooked a concrete patio. Most guests would have seen the railing on the edge of the lanai as a safety feature, but for Molly it brought to mind fond memories of her youthful gymnastic abilities.

Molly called out to Todd, "Watch to see what I can still do." These would be her last words. She did a flip onto the railing for a handstand, just the way she used to do, then toppled over the other side, slamming into the patio 15 feet below. She was pronounced dead at the hospital.

[Coldwolf]

Elephant Tail
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand) It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia, males are used to haul massive tree trunks with their three-foot tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries.

It's also no secret that teasing an animal makes it mad. Teasing a animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.

While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.

The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital. The elephant got his treat.